Whether in a relationship or marriage, there are certain relationship killers that can cause divorce or break up. Being aware of these can keep a relationship or marriage from going downhill:
Controlling behavior- Whether consciously or unknowingly,some partners act in such a manner that, because they have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship or have gotten married, that they OWN the other person and should have total control of the other - and monopolize their partner's life.. A controlling behavior is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust and makes the other have resistance against the partner making him or her want to break free.
Advice: have mutual friends and interests, but also have independent friends and interests and not build your world totally around the relationship alone. One of the keys to to keep a union interesting is not only to have common interests, common friends, but also have independent interests to allow each one to bring something interesting into a couple's conversations and especially not to keep a partner from pursuing his or her likes. Otherwise there will not be anything interesting to say if every waking moment you do and experience the same things.
Dishonesty and Lack of Trustworthiness - If you enter into a relationship or marriage, honesty and trustworthiness make a relationship or marriage strong and should be the practice. Why enter into a relationship if you cannot be honest and live a lie? Once trust is broken, it becomes a vicious cycle - the other starts to distrust and always becomes suspicious of the dishonest partner, and thus start to be controlling, then the partner resists the control and it makes it snowball into a more serious relationship problem. Conversely, being trustworthy will make the partner have enough peace of mind to allow the other to have some amount of freedom, keeping the relationship interesting and each one happy.
Advice: You need not be open about every single detail of your life but be open and honest about things that matter and might otherwise make your partner have a doubt on, like if you are going away with friends, to be honest about those details. Trust is not asked, it is earned. And trust can be earned with honesty and credibility.
Insecurity and neediness - while we are emotionally dependent on our partner to feel needed, loved and important, one should not put this responsibility on the partner for affirmation of confidence. We should always work on our own confidence and esteem by taking good care of ourselves, having meaningful, worthwhile career or activity and being independent as well.
Advice: Introspect on your level of confidence and do things that will improve it, whether it be physical, career-wise or a meaningful preoccupation or hobby. Having a healthy level of confidence and self-worth makes one feel independent and empowered.
Comfort zone danger -There are basically two dangers in this comfort zone trap: taking self for granted and taking each other for granted - Some partners fall into the comfort zone trap especially in a marriage that either partner becomes lax about the relationship since you are already bound by marriage, and the partner either starts neglecting self and the partner.
Advice: Strive to take care of yourself, to eat right, stay as appealing to partner as possible and at the same time not neglecting the partner either. Marriage is a career in itself and should be taken seriously, one can even say more important than a job itself - jobs are for practical reasons and one can go from one job to another, but marriage is something supposed to be a commitment of a lifetime; and sadly for some people, when the marriage goes wrong, it affects a person's whole being, pulling down even his career and other aspects of one's life. Read a related article on this website: Tips To Keep A Marriage Exciting.
Addictions and vicious habits - Feelings of emptiness or inadequacy can cause people to seek gratification in other forms to fill the void, have a temporary or instant gratification and take away the pain of feeling neglected, alone and lonely. These can include substance abuse such as alcohol and drugs, overeating, gambling, relentless overspending (money issues can be a strong trigger factor), too much about career, computer addiction, and so on, are just about some of the ways a neglected partner does for instant gratification and temporary happiness, which unfortunately can shut out a partner and start to have separate lives.
Advice: If one keeps the partner happy and you enjoy certain activities together, addiction to these need not happen. Regularly indulge in a common activity that you both can truly enjoy or have fun.
Seeing the partner's fault but not one's own - some people only see what is wrong in their partner but not conscious of their own faults. For example, the wife sees that the husband is starting to flirt, but the wife does not see that she is not taking care of herself well. Or you might be aware of your partner's resistance or defiance, but you fail to see your controlling behavior.
Advice: Constant communication will always bring out the partner's feelings so that if there are things we do not realize that we do but is bothering your partner, this will bring your partner's resentments to your conscious level and give a reality check.
Communication breakdown - One of the most important keys to a happy relationship or marriage is communication. When there are things that especially makes one upset, partners should openly discuss it in a calm civil manner so that resentment does not build within a partner. Lack of communication leads to misunderstanding and misinterpretation.
Advice: Make it a habit to communicate, whether to affirm something positive about a partner or to express disappointment. And please, no yelling - raising of voices is counterproductive and might lead to more serious situations like verbal or physical abuse with the heightened emotions. It will not achieve anything (unless the house is on fire!). A calm and collected conversation is always a better option and allows a person to think more clearly. No bringing up of the past either - useless to bring up something that cannot be changed, and is just a waste of time. Always focus and work on the here and now. (Communication is an art and a skill, for tips on how to communicate issues effectively, read on Good Interpersonal Skills to Remember)
Being aware of these relationship killers will hopefully help partners in avoiding these mistakes. A relationship or marriage is a working progress and the important thing is acceptance of one's shortcomings and the willingness to change.
You will find even more useful and insightful ideas about handling your marriage successfully and keeping it happy and healthy in the book Save My Marriage Today. This ebook has helped thousands of marriages across the globe and is a very useful guide for married couples.
No comments:
Post a Comment